I often wonder if you heard my calls for you, years ago when I was broken, picking up the remenants of my heart off the ground, and looking to the stars for a sign that you were near. I know now deep down (to the depths of my soul) that I always yearned to be with someone like you, and some days I wish that we had met before our heart-aches. I might have not long been out of school and you would be wearing a suit for your job, but age has never interfered before, so I doubt it would have then. I might have been more naive and less wise than I am today, but if I met you then I'd change, because even the thought of you makes me want to be a better human being. I always like to imagine that those years between us were just to test my patience and wait for you.
And let me whisper a secret for you. All those years ago, I would look to the moon and stars and wondered if you were looking at the same time as me. I still remember shivering next to the moonlit window, as though your breath were on my neck and whispering honey-filled words in my ear. When I thought there was only pieces of my heart left; the thought of you made it whole again.
I wish I had some wisdom then to understand love. I fell for a pretty boy with tattoos and a wild side that mesmerized me. I didn’t know how many women he had thrown away like rubbish and I wouldn’t be any different. But who is better to love than a stranger? I was a newly naive twenty year old with a heart bursting to be loved. I guess it’s like that quote we love, ‘We accept the love we think we deserve.’ I wish I could have fast forwarded to that moment I was standing outside his empty, cold house and realize I deserved more. Grief revealed itself in the dark half moons under my eyes and sleepless nights. I don’t regret it all though, because during those sleepless nights I curled up against my window and imagined the kind of love I might have one day. The night I finally fell asleep, I dreamed of you. Just glimpses, like how you would curl up with me and run your hands through my hair, or give me eskimo kisses on the train. Those nights I spent against the window dreaming you up made all my heart ache worth it. I knew in that moment what I was destined for – you.
I guess I’m telling you this… because that broken hearted girl still haunts me, and you have my heart completely now. It was so easy to fall in love with you though. I vividly remember our eyes locking from the other side of the room when I walked through the door, and for a minute I couldn’t breath. You were (are) everything I’ve dreamed of and more. I traced every detail of your smile that night, and secretly hoped you would kiss me goodbye before I left you on the train platform. And you did. Did you know that I never stopped smiling the entire trip home? I had the goofiest smile on my face thinking about how magical our night was and I never wanted it to end. My heart melted even more when you asked me ‘When can I see you next?’.
It amazes me what kind of woman I’ve grown into these last few months especially. Being strong is something I’ve had to face often in my life; health scares and heart problems have never been far away. When we dated I remember warning you about falling for a girl with a (literally) broken heart and you held me closer, “I always want to look after you, my love”. I melted all over again. You’ve always kept your word and there’s not a day that goes by that I don’t thank the moon and stars that we met – and that there is someone like you on this earth. You think that I don’t believe in God or heaven or anything religious, but truthfully deep down I do. I just have to look at you and I understand there is some sort of entity to this universe to have created someone like you.
Our hearts must be soaked in wine, we’re always so drunk on each other’s love. I joke that we don’t need food or materialistic things, we just need air and love. It’s half true, though. I’ll never be the kind of girl that will want more than what we have, because I am already blessed to call you mine. I may be poor now, but I have something more valuable than anything money can buy. My heart – which you have completely, and always. I’ve always struggled to tell you this in person, but that’s only because no words could ever really explain how I feel about you. So I’ll leave this writing now and i’ll write more in a few months time again, when I need to try tell you again. I never want to stop telling you I love you, no matter how many times I say it, each day it has more meaning. x